To be grateful

I have found in the last year I use to spend a lot of time worrying about how my family and past friends see me now. I question if they realize I have spent the last 12 years in a med free state, not self medicating or hurting myself. After so long you wonder does it really matter what they thought or think? I use to think  yes but no is my answer now.
I think believe the BPD adds to my worrying… of what others think of me and this did hinder my life and my lack of ability to move forward.
We want recognition of my progress and I want someone to say “good job” or I am proud of you and all you have done. Will it change the past or present? no
I was just out at my sisters and her graduation speaker was wonderful. He spoke of being grateful. It really touched home with me.  I have sat too long in the daisy downer world of I am not worthy of being happy or even success.
This next year I am determined to be grateful for where I came from, where I am even if it is not where I think I should be at my age in life. I plan on doing more social work, work with those less fortunate and show more appreciation to life in general.
There is the old proverb, share unto others and it will come back ten in fold.  Do we wait for life to shine bright on us and hand us all the good? NO We walk proud and share with others our gratitude of just being alive.
We can not fix the world in one day and we can not change our way of thinking over night. I just want to spread more positive thoughts and let others see I can let go of the negative.
Just because we have a mental disability does not mean we are not smart, we are not anti social.  We all just have different ways of expressing and learning.  We can all make strides to a happier life! I know some of you may think you just can not be happy.  You can! I was where you were, where you been! I have hit rock bottom, several times matter a fact.  I have lost all my possessions more then once.  I have lost friends and family.  So if I can make a promise to myself to be more grateful I hope I can spread this to you all.
One day you wake up and realize life has past you by, so you think,  but if you are opening your eyes and can sit up and walk out your door, life is there for the taking!


We all as Humans have issues, problems, health or mental.  It makes us who we are and individualizes us.  If we were all the same the World would be such a dull place.
It is this that the Humans need to realize and accept.  No one can change who they were born to be but now with that said it is never an excuse not to act on our best abilities and behaviors.
Time goes by and the less we communica…te or teach our children growing up to learn to communicate the world will suffer, people in general will suffer and more tragedies will consume our lives.
It is never to late to spread awareness and acceptance.  Do not be afraid of new people, different people.  I say be cautious and listen to the little voice in your head if someone seems to off, never leave yourself to being harmed by no means but don’t let others keep your from reaching out.
Without interacting the world will be a shallow ball and the humans will be then the zombies we are all so fascinated with now in movies.
I personally see it happening, all the shootings and etc and the young people not knowing how to cope in society.
Think about your kids, family members are they just hiding in their rooms, on computers, phones, online schools?
What does this mean 20 years from now!!!! Disaster!!!!
TO me society has to interact or ends up like a stray animal when cornered.
Love and learn from your neighbors!

Lost Girl

Its a life time of bad memories it seems.  As I sit and contemplate on my childhood.  I seem to just remember being such a lost girl.

We all have fond memories, great family events but then you fill in the lines between. 

I can’t quite remember what year I became so different that I was the odd girl left out.  No one seeks to be ignored or unremarkable.

I had the normal girlhood dreams of dancing, singing, being just a total Daddy’s girl.  Where and when this changed is a huge part of my reflections.

Life I had was a good one most would say, I had a family, a home, a pet… all the comforts of a good life.  So why was I such a lost girl?

There had to be a significant day that changed my life, so one would think.  I search in my mind year after year and come up empty.

No one wants to have their life be in such turmoil.  Always wondering why things have been so bad. 

All I know is we can never go back. We can recover one day but do we fully?
I am not sure…..

As an adult we are programmed to let the past be just that the past.  I am curious does this then add to adult failure?

If we never coped or found the reason we were so lost how can we have a productive living.

I don’t want to be that lost girl! I want to let all the bullshit go but with that I want to know why me? Don’t I have that right after all I been through?

Some will say I had a choice in the way my life has gone.  I say I did but I have many obstacles that have slowed me down.

Judge not this lost girl.  All she wanted was love….


Todays Topic: Bullying.
Now that the kids are back in school there are a lot of reasons to start this topic and how to discuss this with our kids, even if you do not have any, (as myself) learning how to help kids in need can be essential one day.
Why does this fit into our page: There are many reasons why people are bullied and I know for fact I was and I wish I knew what I know now.  Many chil…dren suffer from mental illness at a young age and do not even know it. Hell just being different is a battle and we all know this… so this fits our page 100%.
I hope we can reach out and discuss this and ways to help end this for children and even adults….. The work place can be no joy as well.
Lets see what kind of ideas we can discuss!
Statistics: 2013
– It is estimated that 160,000 children miss school every day due to fear of attack or intimidation by other students.
  American schools harbor approximately 2.1 million bullies and 2.7 million of their victims. Dan Olweus, National School Safety Center.
  1 in 7 students in Grades K-12 is either a bully or a victim of bullying.
– 56 percent of students have personally witnessed some type of bullying at school.
– 15 percent of all school absenteeism is directly related to fears of being bullied at school.
– 71 percent of students report incidents of bullying as a problem at their school.
– 1 out of 20 students has seen a student with a gun at school.
– 282,000 students are physically attacked in secondary schools each month.
– Those in the lower grades reported being in twice as many fights as those in the higher grades. However, there is a lower rate of serious violent crimes in the elementary level than in the middle or high schools.
– 90 percent of fourth through eighth graders report being victims of bullying
– Among students, homicide perpetrators were more than twice as likely as homicide victims to have been bullied by peers.
– Bullying statistics say revenge is the strongest motivation for school shootings.
– 87 percent of students said shootings are motivated by a desire to “get back at those who have hurt them.”
– 86 percent of students said, “other kids picking on them, making fun of them or bullying them” causes teenagers to turn to lethal violence in the schools.
– 61 percent of students said students shoot others because they have been victims of physical abuse at home.
– 54 percent of students said witnessing physical abuse at home can lead to violence in school.
– According to bullying statistics, 1 out of every 10 students who drops out of school does so because of repeated bullying.
– Harassment and bullying have been linked to 75 percent of school-shooting incidents.
On speaking out today, it is a soul searching event… I have so many memories of pain and despair… The lowest of my dark days was my last attempt at suicide. November, 2000 I drank a bottle of booze and took a bottle, the whole bottle of my prescribed Kolonopin. I was found, I was revived by the local fire department and rushed to the Hospital, I was ventilated… then after I was well enough……put to the ward.. for recovery During this stay my Father passed away, My mother called me in the hospital with a counselor on the side to inform my of his passing. I have not a lot of memories of this year due to my MS and the overdose,,, it took me years to remember the day of his passing.
To this day I cry, I mourn, I feel loss for what I did, what I thought back then but now I push on! I am strong and here to tell everyone who will listen, YOU CAN RECOVER! YOU CAN MAKE IT~



Today is World Suicide Prevention Day..

In the eyes of many suicide is the unspoken mark of a coward. Someone who wants the easy way out of life, problems, people. When in fact it is just the opposite.
I as a survivor can tell you that there is no easy thought process, actually no thoughts except the pain inside you are feeling.
I am here to say I am a survivor from several suicide attempts since the age of 14.
Do many people know this? Should I speak out loud of such an act against life and God? Will I go to Hell? Does my family even know?
So many questions to be asked and so little answers but I am here and I am going to speak out now that in my heart I know I am well enough to never attempt suicide again, in all hopes.
I now know it was not my fault, I am Bipolar and Borderline and my thought process does not work the same as others.
Please do not judge me on this, judge me on the fact I am a survivor! I am here to speak out and hope to help as many as I can along my way of self recognition.

You more then likely know someone, a close friend, a family member. Do not judge them harshly as many do. Show them they are important and loved.

I have lost many friends over suicide and today I pray for them and all those out there who feel there is no way out. I am here to talk always!

Never forget: Kenny Kohlbeck
Michael James Thompson.

This list goes on……………….. I will light a candle tonight I hope you will as well.

We write Love to remember